7.29.2008

Let's talk about life for awhile

It's funny, that thing called 'Life'. Always tossing things into the mix that you may either be not prepared for, or things that aren't much at all. When life is boring you want something exciting, when it gets exciting, suddenly it's too much.

My life isn't dreadfully exciting, I mean I'm gamer right? I put notices in my EnV telling me when games are released. Obviously I have time on my hands. But, I read enough comics, see enough movies, read enough stories that I'll probably always feel like I could be doing more, that there will always be something missing.

It can't really be helped, it's just a part of the journey, but if we only have one, that we know of, shouldn't we just do whatever makes us happy? And if so, why is it that oftentimes, that decision of choosing your happiness over something else, usually means someone will get hurt.

It's a tricky thing. I would give my life, in a minute, to protect my friends from anything and everything. Friends, family, anyone that's in trouble, I want to help them, even if it means sacrificing something that I have or need. That's just the kind of person I am, but, every so often I reach my limit of happiness, and I can no longer take care of anyone else, and I need a break. It's those points that I regret the most, because when I choose myself, I am no longer helping everyone else. When I choose my happiness I have to let someone go.

It makes me feel selfish, but at the same time, sometimes you HAVE to be selfish. I certainly don't have the funds, or the resources to do all the things I want to do to help the people I love, and there comes a time where I have to take care of myself. Because how do I have the right to help anyone, if I can't help myself?

That being said, why is it so hard to put your foot forward and just go. My heavy heart is an anchor holding me in place. It's really not complicated, but I put my heart with everyone I meet. Even if it's just a little while. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and I look forward to friendships with much hope and excitement of things to come. But then, when it crosses that boundary into relationships, that's when they throw the friendship away. The very foundation that created the relationship is now gone. "I can't be your friend anymore". I never quite understood that.

You think I'm an emotionless robot, but you don't realize how fragile and devastated I am to have to make the decisions I make. I may seem cruel to everyone looking outside in, but I will sacrifice myself in order to let you hate me, if that's what it takes for you to move on.

And so this becomes the words I'll never say. And I will stand stalwart, because you do what has to be done.

"The hardest thing in this world, is to live in it."

1 comment:

Romancer said...

There are three things we must learn to do if we are to live in this world.
To love, to hold on, and when the time comes, let it go.